done with crumbs

Sometimes I lose sight of why I came to this planet in the first place. It’s just so painful, the hurt is debilitating. It feels like there is not enough love to go around, everyone is starved for it. I wish I could feed everyone, seeing hunger everywhere breaks my heart. Seeing parents not being able to love their kids, because they themselves were not loved properly. Those kids growing up with the same hole in their hearts, perpetuating this cycle of hurt. However much I want to make my mission loving this world, handing out baskets of bread to every living thing in my mind, I find myself on the floor crawling for crumbs like everyone else. I become selfish. If I see a crumb I jump on it and I don’t share anymore. That can’t be why I came here, to fight for crumbs. Whether I came for me or to serve others (really in the end it’s all the same thing anyways), I know I didn’t come for crumbs.

Understadning the universe to be a hologram mirror, I’m aware of the law of attraction. Like attracts like. I’m aware my internal world mirrors my outer one. If I see hurt, it is my own. If I want to save others from hurt, I really want to save myself from it. Just because I don’t feel enough love doesn’t mean everyone else feels the same. Someone might argue it’s a personal problem, there might be love in cascades in someone elses world. Baskets of bread filled to the brim. Maybe. Maybe it is a personal problem, but I am certainly not alone in having it. I feel like everyone can relate on some level. And even knowing this, that how I perceive the world is highly subjective and only mirrors how I personally feel on the inside, what use would there be in creating my own world filled with bread (even if I hypothetically could) if there are people still crawling for crumbs outside of it? Even if I swim in bread and don’t see any people crawling anymore, does that mean they are not there? I can choose to close my eyes to it. I have, and I might continue to, until I reach a point of bravery when I won’t stand to look away anymore - when I burst my bubble.

I see the point in filling your own cup first, or your own basket in this case. How can you give if you don’t have anything to give and you are starved yourself? You can’t. It is vital to look after yourself first. This is one of my biggest beliefs. All my self love work, everything revolves around this. Put yourself first. But crawling for crumbs can’t be self love, can it? That can’t be what they mean when they say “fill your own cup first”. Crawling for crumbs to fill it with. That would still be taking from a limited source and fighting over it with other people. Sooner or later I’ll realize I will never be able to fill my basket with crumbs. They will just fall out and there’s no way I can find enough of them. There’s gotta be a better way. I can’t partake in this fight for crumbs expecting to accumulate enough to then give back to others, it will not happen.

So what do I do? Something has to shift. I can’t crawl for crumbs, and I can’t lock myself in a bubble of bread should I even be able to create it, because I am not exempt from life, I am not exempt from other people’s suffering. It is my own suffering. I have to find a better way. A way of filling my basket and then letting it flow over without participating in the hunt for crumbs. I don’t know yet how to do it, but a metaphorical kick in the ass might make me look up from the floor for a second. Truth is I don’t know if I ever have. I expected to find my bread paradise under the rug, that’s where I have been looking, still am. Screaming for love from people who don’t have enough for themselves, desperately thinking that’s where the gold is gonna be. Trying to fill their cups with my crumbs so that they can fill mine with theirs in return. That doesn’t make any sense. Crawling on the floor for bread. What if I look up? I never even thought about it. Maybe I’m underneath a dinner table? Maybe I’m under a huge fruit tree with ripe dangling fruit?

I don’t know, and yes that does sound too easy, but I have to train my brain look upwards, elsewhere. If you haven’t found bread under the rug for 24 years, you won’t find it there now. What else is out there? Why do we have to eat bread or even worse dusty crumbs? This CAN’T be why I came here. It can’t be why you came here either. So maybe my mission was never to give out bread or even to just get it for myself. Maybe my mission is, at least for now, to get myself off of this damned floor. To stand up, and ideally hold other people’s hands while they do the same, and look for better things. I’m done with the dream of a bubble full of bread, and I am most certainly, done with crumbs.