woman

I’ve watched myself grow into a woman. Quietly. Nothing external. In fact everything external was put on pause. For many years. So I could be with myself. Hold myself. Learn how to. I made a commitment to myself that no matter what it took I would learn to love myself. I worked harder than I have ever worked in my life. The straight A:s I got all through school, classes, jobs, relationships… nothing compares to the work I have done with myself. For myself. The hours, days, weeks, months, years I have dedicated to learning about who I am, what I need, how to care for my emotions…

To the outside world it may look like I just hide away. Do nothing. Waste my life. But I made a commitment that you don’t know about. That you don’t see. You don’t see me crying alone in my bed, holding myself. Day after day. You don’t see me scream into my pillow, journal, meditate, journey, talk to myself, alchemise. I am an emotional alchemist. I work in the invisible. I work hard. I serve my own heart.

You can’t see it so you won’t know. This is my life. I am not lazy, I am not delusional, I am not weak. I am truthfully one of the strongest people I have ever met. And through that strength I’ve watched myself grow into a woman. Through the years in bed, comforting my inner child. Through being with what no one could be with up until now. I grew into a woman by mourning. What has been, what never came to be. Through holding heartache. Over and over again. Through being with what is: grief. Pain. Despair. I became a woman in my own arms. Softly. Quietly. Without me noticing. I became a woman. Flawed and fierce. Woman.